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For the last time, you don’t need a costume! It’s useless! When I first came here, I thought I needed some scary mask, but it turned out I was the monster. Well, technically not a monster, that is a special trademark. No, I became a beastical, infectious, a human-sized lab rat! Not funny! Are you drugged? You’ve been constantly laughing since we arrived. You’re supposed to be scared to death! If you’re done chuckling, we could probably go on a small tour around the town. But let’s mix thing up! Unless you resist the urge to scream, you get to meet the Gummy Bears. It’s a bet, don’t cheat! It’s against the rules to duct tape your mouth.
***
First station: supermarket. Oops, madam, excuse me! You dropped your brain! Here, take it. Yeah, common zombie problem. Anyways, would you like to buy anything? A carnivorous plant for Mothers’ Day, artificial garlic sauce for a vamp-party or special shampoo for werewolf fur – you name it, they sell it. No? Do you not need any of these items on you shopping list? What kind of Mediville tourist are you?! I’m buying this pack of bacon, it can be useful when you meet a bunch of hounds. The shop assistant’s sending chills down your spine? Why? Because she’s got three eyes? It’s for security reasons, believe me, no shoplifter got away during a theft. Watch out! The decapitated rider doesn’t like to stop. He came to buy coal for his horse. I’m afraid the police will give him another penalty, he can’t simply park his horse wherever he wants to.
***
Second station: bus. This is going to be thrilling! Do you know why? No, not because the driver doesn’t have a license. Some have a license and still drive like madmen. Yes, he may be a gargoyle, but that doesn’t mean you should be afraid of him, he won’t spit water at you, he’s not a llama. Look at the other passangers. Are you requesting to stop? Why? Oh, that old lady! I didn’t notice her! Request a stop, request a stop now! Driver! We want to get off! No, help! Argh, help!
***
That was close. A real nightmare. Was it you who screamed or someone else? Me? Nah, I don’t do that. Shut up!
Third station: expensive party. Of course I have an invitation, I’m not a jerk. Fake, but still an invitation.
See? I told you to buy artificial sauce! It’s rude to bring food that contains garlic to a vamp-party. Oh, check out these expensive, fine clothes and tuxedos! Would you like some wine? Every food here is red. Not colouring, the chefs cooperate with the hospitals. Yeah, they should do that, my friend, but the blood stain is very hard to wash out of the white shirt, that’s why they drink blood from glasses. It’s more elegant, they have an etiquette codex, too. Guess who the special guest is! The great pianist, Dracula! He’s sober. Wait, he’s sober? We’d better go now, I have a small debt to pay. He never forgets, unless you give him some alcohol.
***
This was quite a journey, right? Yeah, it’s over, because… You’ ll see. I’ve planned a cemetery tour, petting the hounds at the animal shelter, visiting the museum to see famous people’s skeletons…
We really wish ya’ll survive,
But ya can’t get out alive!
Yer fears surround ya, scream,
As escaping’s only a dream!
This journey will haunt yer life,
Will remain in ya like a knife!
Prepare for the worst, ya fool,
As now Halloween will rule!
Balázs-Blénessi-Pataki Kincső IX.R
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