Thinking is hard

It is raining, it’s cold, and I’m sitting at my desk.

Thinking is hard, especially when it’s Friday and you want to write something but absolutely nothing comes to your mind. My brain is like my internet browser: fourteen tabs are open, five of them are frozen, and I don’t know where the music is coming from, as many people say.

I sat down because I wanted to go on with a story that started in my head two months ago, but something is blocking me. Believe me, I have enough motivation, it’s not that. I just… I simply don’t know.

Most people consider creating a story is easy, but it is actually very, very hard. What does this character look like? Why is he there? If this is to be the ending, how are they going to get that far? Is she too mean or too kind? Do the words hold their meanings if I rephrase half of the paragraph? No one knows until someone reads it, then they find all the plot holes, character fails, illogical things that you need to adjust. But how?

If I can’t fix those like this, should I either try another way or just start something new? That, my friend, is the question where I always choose the wrong option. The proof is my five stories that are waiting for me all the time to open and carry on with them. But do you know what I do instead? I find some activity that doesn’t have anything in common with writing, do it ‘till I get bored then go to bed. Every day. Even my diary hasn’t heard about me in months.

Do you know what the worst thing about this is? The only time my mind can focus on these stories is when I am at school. Okay, that is not totally true. At school and when I really need to center my attention on an important situation or subject.

What happens when I force myself on composing when I want to, you may ask. Well, the typed sentences are not even similar compared to what I’d like. And what is wrong with that? I hate it, so I delete it, then I start again. It’s worse than loving a person who doesn’t love you back.

Keeping it short, don’t start something, only if you are sure you will manage to finish it after all the ups and downs.

My brain is hurting and it is still raining.

Fülöp Csenge-Anna IX. H